31 Days of Halloween Feature-ette : The Ghost in the Grounds

The Ghost in the Grounds:

A Sherlock Wicked & Dr. Lumi Mystery

Dr. Lumi & Sherlock Wicked were snooping around the local drugstore…when they heard a most perplexing story, “The local Pizza Man’s coffee maker is HAUNTED!” Each customer twittered on about a different version of the story. “A ghost came in the mornings to steal his coffee grounds and bring them to the tomato gardens of the dead!”, said one man, predictably a gardener. 

   Another customer, a woman in curlers, swore it was “a ghost who eats his coffee grounds.” She felt certain that was plausible because she had a cousin who ate drier lint every day of her life and assumed she went on to do this in the afterlife. 

When Wicked called “bullshit”, the shopkeeper swore that this was the story she had heard from the very mouth of the pizza maker. “I am telling you, Sherlock Wicked, he said that his coffeemaker was possessed of an evil spirit determined to freak him out every morning by hiding his coffee grounds!” Sherlock Wicked rose one eyebrow in an arch that only meant one thing…

This little incident had to be investigated! As friends of logic and possessing an intolerance of bullshit, Dr. Lumi and Sherlock Wicked couldn’t leave something as absurd as ghosts stealing coffee grounds run rampant for long all over their town. Staying in the loop of absurd stories and outright lies also helped the duo stay on top of any bad mojo the town tried to float about them!

After hiring a taxi driver, the duo sped away playing Uno in the backseat.. Sorting colors, finding patterns, and winning, so with mysteries – so it was with Uno. After three hands of cards, Wicked marveling at color patterns and Lumi doing anything she could to win, the car slowed to a stop. Wicked let the cards fling as they arrived at the neon lit pizza parlor and swooped in with the air of people on a mission. The bell, dinging, announced them as HERE. The cashier looked up and the duo chimed, “ We are here to see your pizza man – about a ghost!”The cashier slumped off to retrieve the pizza man and the duo began scraping around for possible monies to buy now much-needed pizza.“Oh look I found a dollar!”, said Dr. Lumi. “In your right pocket, the interior one, no doubt!” said Sherlock Wicked. “You truly are a mastermind” said Dr. Lumi, managing to roll her eyes and wonder how she always knew, all at once.  “No! I was rummaging through your pockets looking for the ring you borrowed. I need it! ” her voice dropped to a murmur, “HE is coming to visit!”. “If you call prison transfer a visit,” Lumi grumbled,” You may as well call this pizza parlor a palace!”The pizza man arrived to interrupt much further banter and the two snapped to attention. “You! Pizza man!! you are the one who has started this silly story about ghosts stealing coffee grounds?”, Sherlock gave the poor boy crazed-Finnish-direct-eye-contact. The pizza man slumped back and said well “I….I ….I just told how they are missing and it is mysterious!” “..” said Lumi in her Masterpiece Theatre voice, which prompted Wicked to stomp Lumi’s brand new squishy black shoes right in the toe. Dr. Lumi quickly moved her feet and said,“Okay alright I’ll stop but please not the shoes, my dear Holmes, you know how I care for them.” Eventually, the two made up and both agreed that the Masterpiece Theatre voice was not . At long last, the pizza man related how he had recently purchased his very first coffee maker of his own, to which Lumi interrupted, “Congratulations and how much pizza will a dollar get me?”    Wicked roundly shushed her, and the pizza man continued his explanations. Since the first day he has been making coffee in the new coffee maker every morning, he explained, continuing to  hesitate under the scrutiny of Wicked (and the strangeness of the situation).   His voice seemed lost when he looked on Sherlock Wicked who was grinning, with much toothy smile of encouragement. She’d meant to exude, which actually read  It was after that grin, that the Pizza Man was shocked into sputtering out that, “It had been after several days noticing the strangest thing… that each morning the coffee maker was empty of grounds.“Nothing”, he sighed, “was ever left behind of what he had poured in the day before!”    After telling the story to his friends, it had become a thing around town. The story morphed from teller to teller. What once had been a story of “how odd”, had become the ghost who eats,  steals, or hides the coffee grounds or for short  {insert tremble and gong}  “The Ghost in the Coffee Grounds”. Thinking about various sightings of various prophets in various granulated items, Wicked pondered for a moment, . She poked Lumi which meant she needed to take a note.

September 15 : 7:00 p.m.

Sherlock Wicked has a hunch. 

Poked me.

Note to self – I should poke her back –

LOL to myself – wonder if SHE would 

take a note 

when i did it!

   After the retelling of the story some five times and all five matching mostly. (except for the color of the pajamas he had been wearing), Sherlock Wicked was satisfied with the story, and needed to think, suggesting quickly that they go back to the office for naps.   They were both far too tired for Uno after all that storytelling, and so they rolled into the house, ate cheese & crackers and went off to their separate couches in the office.   Going home would mean being “off the clock.” Sherlock Wicked NEVER went off the clock and badgered Dr. Lumi to do the same. AND SO it was that ON THE CLOCK that the two went off to take their naps, or rather Lumi went to take a nap and Wicked went to OBSESS over the case. Ignorant of this fact, Dr.Lumi was fast asleep when a wild-eyed Wicked came bursting into her room,“I have it! We will do a stake out! Camp out, all night long, in the pizza man’s living room! Then we will find the perfectly logical conclusion for this SUPPOSED ghost who steals the grounds!” Knowing better than to argue about permission or practicality, Dr. Lumi began packing sleeping bags and snacks and flashlights, the laptops, pajamas, and a spectrometer. Just in case it was a real ghost, Dr. Lumi wanted to know just how panicked to be and how to explain to Sherlock Wicked why she actually could panic. Dr. Lumi did manage to mumble out, “You weren’t napping were you?” to which Sherlock Wicked curled her lip in disgust and huffed, “Of course not! We have a CASE!”

   Upon arriving at the Pizza Man’s house, some three hours later. Our mystery solvers banged on the door and yelled “Pizza Man! we demand entry for the purpose of scientific investigation!” They had both agreed this would be the best way to catch the pizza man off guard and get him to agree to the living room stake out. It worked! 

The pizza man opened the door and mumbled “Okay sure.” 

   The two quickly set up their computers,put on night vision goggles, and began eating snacks. The Pizza Man stood over them in wild-eyed amazement. Finally, noticing he was still there, Sherlock wicked offered him some of her chocolate chip granola snack mix. “Are you hungry?”, she shouted while pushing the snack mix in front of the Pizza Man. He shook his head in disbelief and presumably went off to work. 

Meanwhile the two waited making hourly log entries:

8:00 PM : Sherlock ate all the dried apples – AGAIN

8:25 PM : (scratched crookedly beneath) No I Didn’t. Lumi sleep snacking again.

9:00 PM : What if we get trapped in this house and die?

9:54 PM : Stop being obsessed with death, Wicked –

9:59 : NOO YOUUU DOCTOR LUMI!

Suddenly a sound cracked through the night, keys rattled in the door and in came the Pizza Man from work. However, from where the two sleuths sat he was an intruder! “The coffee thief!” screamed Wicked.

 “The Ghost!!” shrieked Lumi and threw a sack over him while Wicked wrangled him to the floor.  As he squirmed around and around he yelled, “What are you doing?” Lumi began to feel concerned. “The ghost has a lot of uhmm body-ness?”, she whispered. “And does he sound like the pizza man to you Wicked?” Wicked’s eyes rolled up in her head and then back to the body-roll. Disappointed, she tutted her tongue and let him ago “Uhhh what a waste! It IS him…”   After several hours of the sleuths watching the Pizza Man do his regular house-things he gave up trying to seem inconspicuous in his own house and went to bed. Little did he know, the two kept checking to make sure he was there too, However they both agreed that was too creepy and furthermore, that all this moving around was disturbing the crime scene. They waited and waited until one was snoring and then the other. They awoke to the sound of coffee dripping and the Pizza Man bent over the machine. Startled, they jumped into action, clamoring up behind him and watching.  “So you put the coffee grounds in the machine?” said Wicked.  “I think so…coffee is coming out”, said the Pizza Man. “It certainly is” agreed Wicked, and they all sat down to drank coffee. They where silent while they stared at the machine which steamed and perked and jostled. “Maybe it’s possessed? Lumi broke the silence shakily.“No, no, it’s not a blip on your spectrometer “ Wicked broke her finger pyramid to lean forward and poke Dr. Lumi twice, which meant to reread a earlier note taken :“Ahem – yes – err – at 7:00 p.m. you had a hunch” Lumi declared. “But was it Lumi?” Wicked demanded,“You didn’t tell me! You just poked once for hunch” Lumi huffed. “Damn! Well let’s see…ahh ….YES! Yes that the coffee has not been stolen but rather has disappeared!” Wicked, as ever, sounding like she’d totally just made that up.“Isn’t that the same thing Wicked?” Lumi asked, shimmery eyes barely belying any sarcasm.“Not at all! Stolen would imply another party involved! Since coffee, as far as we know, has no ability to steal itself…we will have to assume  it has the capacity to disappear?” said Wicked, failing to make any sense at all.“Well my coffee has never disappeared?” Lumi asked as her gaze lifted upward, suddenly unsure whether it had now.Wicked began to get the smug grin (that she always wore when the mystery was and NO ONE ELSE got it yet) . She strode over to the jumpy steam-engine of a coffeemaker and plucked out the basket, filter and all, and wafted it deliberately under Lumi’s Nose in that, in her space way that made Lumi want to put her in the trash. “Lumi – what kind of coffee are you constitutionally opposed to?” Wicked thundered expectantly.“Well uhmm decaffeinated?”  the Doctor replied,“OTHER than decaffeinated?” Wicked urged,“OH well, by all means, if you mean that substance they dare call coffee INSTANT coffee?“ Lumi rumpled her little upturned nose in disgust. “Mhhm yes!”, Sherlock Wicked continued to whirl the empty coffee basket around which was obviously quite empty. “And on what meh heheh GROUNDS, do you oppose it?”   The pizza man rolled his eyes and put his head down. “Well it’s too strange that you mix in those crystals and it just disappears into the cup. I dislike drinking something I would normally throw away!”, Lumi sputtered. Wicked stood with the basket completely upside down now with a slim smile – waiting – she would count aloud, “5…4….3….2…”“Oh WAIT!” both Lumi and the Pizza Man shouted.  Lumi grabbed the pizza man’s arm and said, “ What kind of coffee do you use?” He said, “Dunno…” (Lumi made a note to lecture him on the ins and outs and proprieties of coffee couture later), but now she ran him over to the coffee pot.  Wicked stood standing, as if waiting to bow with a silent smirk. Dr. Lumi grabbed the can and shoved it into the Pizza Man’s arms. “Come on read it! What does it say?” The Pizza Man asked, “Why don’t you read it?”  Lumi stomped, ”Shh, it’s more dramatic this way!”   Finally, getting into the spirit of the thing, the Pizza Man read out the name of the coffee, with gusto “Figgers Instant Morning Blend.” Wicked couldn’t take it anymore she burst out laughing while doing a little dance and singing to the tune of itsy- bitsy-spide “Twasn’t a ghost or a ruddy robber! Simply just a case of one thing or the other!” Lumi and the Pizza Man watched as the brilliantly mad sleuth finished her victory dance.

Some half hour later, Sherlock Wicked abruptly ceased, smoothed her caftan and asked for her lavender pea coat. “Shall I do the official explanation now dear Doctor?” She lowered her lids and stared at Lumi. “Well it is tradition…” Dr. Lumi replied.  With a deep exhale Wicked sighed, “Alright then, here goes…” She began pacing and chewing on her pen.  “Here it is: Our Pizza Man innocently bought INSTANT coffee for his percolating coffee maker.Though he  noticed no difference when making it or drinking it, the evidence came after, in an empty coffee basket. Instant coffee disappears when mixed with water due to it’s freeze dried crystalline pore-osity.” Sherlock mouthed “osity” again for effect and then continued,   “He, not knowing that he had instant coffee or that it had a higher porosity than regular coffee, began to theorize that it was stolen or haunted but as usual science wins the day.”   She did her final dramatic turn and looked the Pizza Man in the eye, “Next time before you think to say haunted just call us! We will ferret out the real problem before you get your knickers in a twist.” She handed him a pink perfumed and powdered business card that was sticky with glitter. Wicked rolled her eyes, “Err, Lumi designed them. Our number is on there somewhere – Sherlock Wicked and Dr. Watson: Super Sleuths of Sense, LLC. Now good day sir! We have many other quacks to crack this very evening!”With that, Dr. Lumi and Sherlock Wicked swooshed out of the room, leaving only trails of snack mix and post-its behind.

We hope your enjoyed this little break from our usual, MOSTLY non-fiction blog! Lumi certainly enjoyed writing and Wicked did a smash job making the illustrations. Even though MOST of this story is made up – we Aunties will leave it up you to guess on the parts based on something like facts! Hope your Halloween season is getting into full tilt and that you find a mystery or two!We hope your enjoyed this little break from our usual, MOSTLY non-fiction blog! Lumi certainly enjoyed writing and Wicked did a smash job making the illustrations. Even though MOST of this story is made up – we Aunties will leave it up you to guess on the parts based on something like facts! Hope your Halloween season is getting into full tilt and that you find a mystery or two!

-The Aunties

For more Mysterious Mysteries, See Ilumi’s “Haunted Toothbrush“. & “Haunted Hair“.

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