The Fearless Wearing of Shorts by A. Illumination
- AuntieWicked
- Jul 9, 2010
- 12 min read
Fearless Wearing of Shorts
by: A. Illumi
As the title states, Ms. A. Illumi, fearlessly wore shorts
all day!
Well almost.. Maybe – More like slightly jittery somewhat uncomfortable wearing of shorts? Which got Lumi to wondering, Why is it so hard to wear shorts? and Do other people have short phobias? Upon a quick examination it seems there is no bona-fide phobia of shorts -though I may be a candidate for coding one… however, vestiphobia? seems to be a fear of clothes – I will give you a minute to think about the implications of that one!
Where was I? oh yes So in addition to wearing shorts, taking pictures, and talking about my wide array of feeling while wearing shorts – Lumi decided to do some research and write her female friends to see just how some other chicas felt about wearing half-pants(calling them half-pants instead of shorts is one of my new reframing techniques for negativity about shorts!).
For my part, I decided to wear every single pair of shorts – HALFPANTS – I own in ONE DAY! Which might seem like a cop-out from someone who says they don’t like shorts – ahem – HALFPANTS – right? Because ooh the girl who hates shorts *from this point on will be known as HPz* wore her three pairs today but NOOO! Even I was shocked to find out that I own or rather OWNED nine pairs(more than the pairs of whole pants I own by almost twice!) – yes “owned”…sadly some shorts were killed in the creation of this blog!
So looking at these nine specimens I wondered, How often do I actually wear shorts– HPz? Once a week – maybe – or if there is NOTHING at all else to wear or for some reason it’s hot and wearing a skirt is not appropriate…Looking at the nine shorts in a pile made me feel dismal and weary of the wearing of each of them so I decided to change the scenery and I took my shorts for a walk outside…
laid them in the lawn
– hung them in a tree –
and spread them out on the sidewalk like hopscotch…All of which made my son remark,” People are going to think you are crazy!”, TRUE! But it doesn’t matter I am on a mission to make happy with the Hpz – all nine of the them!
These were my totally objective feelings leading up to the experiment:
After some deep breathing I went on to the –
THE WEARING OF THE SHORTS 😦
Halfway through the day I gave up the reframing because it was giving me a headache;P) So I will just say it – SHORTS -Yes shorts – that I am going to wear, not out of necessity for cleaning the tub? but as a wardrobe choice? – no matter what the day would bring?…maybe this is crazy I think – maybe I should go get a skirt…maybe we could change the blog to the JOY OF SKIRTS? Too late – I already have loads of pictures of shorts hanging from my tree – gotta use those somewhere!
Warning: my room was totally a mess during this picture taking session done by my talented 8 year old – we made a mess looking for all my shorts – the glitter and the duct tape – that’s normal ;P
#1 The not really shorts at all shorts – CLAMDIGGER:Are they the same as capri? I think officially the clam digger is shorter than a capri and longer than coolat. And here they are – looking meh…
Results: Honestly? these are actually pretty uncomfortable! And pretty thick which makes one hot while wearing them – which totally outs them for wearing shorts because it’s hot! However, everyone should know that there is finally a name for boys who love to love girls who love girls – hahahah CLAMDIGGERS!#2 Bright Orange Terry Cloth Cotton ShortsThese Shorts are OLD and normally only worn at bedtime – do to oldness and my extra fear of short-shorts – OMG two words – so much less shorts to cover self with!:
Results: These are actually comfortable but not very fashionable or very grown-up at all….Plus they bring up another annoying feature of short-shorts – the shorter you go the more and more carefully you are going to have to shave shave shave! Less shorts – less coverage/less shorts more shaving – hmm I may end up less afraid of shorts after this but more armed with actual REASONS I don’t like wearing shorts!But there was no time to rant about the not wearing the shorts as I had already committed to wearing each pair – so into the sink it was to fix-up last night’s sad-sack shave job for short-shorts wearing. Then it was outside and into the back of the truck to play with my son. The truck has tinted reflective windows- and it is there that I faced the biggest buga-boo of all shorts wearing – my what-seems-to-be GINORMOUS ass and the dimply dare not even say small curd cottage cheese backs of my upper thigh…Oh dear lord why? this horror never stalks me in skirts! Something about shorts suggests the owner should have perfect athletic, 100% hairless, cellulite free legs? Maybe people who love shorts have a better thigh to calf size ratio? and what about these knobby knees? AUGHH – yes the the short-a-phobia almost went in overdrive – but fortunately I had many other pairs of shorts to change into and I decided now was a good time!
#3 Pink Plaid Knee Length :
All I can say is – sounded like a good idea at the store? I never wear these unless I HAVE NOTHING left to wear. I put them on and remember why! FRUMPY – HOT – too dressy for casual to casual for dressy. So off they went as soon as the pic was clicked!
#4 Then the super short shortsWhy? It happened in one of my many attempts at alternative to the one piece swimwear ensembles! They are tight and they are really short. I do the look down at your own leg and have a Lohan melt-down but they are a nice color and have cute fake pockets.
Results:So, I give them a try but almost instantly I realize that out of water these super-short shorts have a terrible tendency to ride up in the crotch – which is just a horrible thing to say/visualize much the less have happening…and then the aftermath! I mean who wants to walk around picking their shorts out of their private beaches? Not I – *waves magic led wand* and then walks over to CHANGE AGAIN!#6 Caving Inspired knee length cargosThese type of shorts always leave me wondering – what in the world do all these strings do? I wonder if some outdoorsey person would know? After I played with the strings for too long to mention I did take a picture and walk around in these parachute-ish things.
Results: They are swishy and hot! They also have the unpleasant effect of making you feel like a sloppy pirate in knee breeches!#7 Marmalade Colored Version of Caving Inspired shorts:
Again Why? The thought of buying multiple colors of things that fit me occurred at the time?
results: double ditto to the last result – and now I am afraid Paddington Bear is going to come along and eat my shorts…perhaps they would serve better that way!#8 Black cotton running shorts:They are not pretty but the cut is flattering – so I go for it! – picture from the back!
results: They are even more comfy than the orange terry cloth shorts of #2…But would anyone consider wearing this as meaning “dressed”?#9 The Winners:My LAST PAIR! This has been a really long day! Whew – okay I actually love this pair…mhmm the purpley-choclate color which makes them unique in itself and the multi-faceted hue wants to go with anything! They are linen shorts which gives them shape without being skin tight! There are strings hanging from the waist but they are nice and short(mine are all disheveled in the pic but you don’t have to wear them that way). Bonus? these shorts don’t try to look like they have mysterious survivalist powers! They are sort of dressy shorts but you can also play in them! Big Bonus – they are knee length and do not do the riding up thing and you don’t have to shave with a magnifying glass and they really flatter the butt and thighs! So in my pure FEARLESS summer relaxation shorts The Short-Slayer herself A.Illumi!
Results: Even in the shorts I love – did I feel like taking on the world? or think about something other than the fact that I was wearing shorts? Almost! And because of this experience, My new rule of advice about shorts is this – try on as many pairs of shorts as you would shirts and be a little extravagant in the number and styles in which you buy – give yourself a chance to find the right style shorts before you become a full fledged member of the anti-shorts united league I would finish talking about advice about shorts but my new spandex shorts underneath a cute little running skirt are calling to me – It has magic ass shrinking powers and is so cute I don’t even worry about what my legs do or do not look like while wearing it – So as the day comes to a close I shed even the favorite pair of shorts and begin to wonder if there are just two types of girls in the world? Those who love shorts? and those who love skirts?
Girls who LUV Skirts Chairman of the Board
As promised:
While examining this question in my own hands-on experiment Lumi asked her friends:Here are their answers:Many of my friends actually DO like shorts! One little baby heifer actually LOVES THEM -who knew? My two Aunts – yes even aunts have aunts – both like them due to practicality in the hot summer months!
One of them in a true statement of fearlessness actually said” if you don’t like my fat legs don’t look” – socking it to the judgers that Auntie is!
One angsty little friend wrote one simple sentence that says it all, “I do not wear shorts” – well that just about says it all!
Overwhelmingly though the people I know actually don’t mind shorts – which was shocking to me? and made me wonder what is it that makes some people so paranoid of shorts? I went googling around for an answer and this lady gave an interesting account of her own short phobia – the reason for hers? being told legs don’t age well!
On countless other sites most women did not discuss how they personally felt about wearing shorts but what they had been told about shorts – like older women should not wear them – how hoe-ish too short shorts look and can they still wear them?
How one MUST have toned legs and use exfoliater and tanner if one wants to wear shorts! I am proud of my friend for saying PFFFT! Women should wear shorts if they want to and if they don’t want to – I expect them to coming up with a good personal reason rather than because the snarks at some fashion magazine told them how hard it was!
One Girl in particular impressed me with her very well thought out reasons to have issues with shorts: Miss Sara said,“…here are my thoughts on shorts. to be brief and blunt, I am not a fan. Shorts have their place in athletic wear, but not as something either comfortable or fashionable that I would want to wear for more than an hour at a time.”
You want to know why? keep reading
with fabric bunched up in awkward places with my thighs spilling out(and potentially sticking to the chair).” Not Comfortable. Also with all that fabric bunched up and with my thighs sticking together it makes me sweat more. Not Cool.”
Our favorite responder Miss Sara went on to explain her own personal fashion aesthetic experience with shorts:
” On the fashion side of things, I have not found a pair of shorts that looks very good on me (*Lumi and Wicked NOD Vigorously*) .“Some people can pull them off, but I’m not one of them. I feel like shorts accentuate(not in a good way) my butt and thighs, which are parts i prefer to minimize(oh yes again both us too – equally indeed).”
She went on to conjecture about the Bermuda long type shorts – one of the nine I wore that fateful short wearing day:
” I have to admit I have not tried the long “Bermuda” shorts that have come back in the last few years. They seem to cover essential areas and avoid riding and bunching. I have seen them look good on other people, but I am still not convinced they would do anything for me”
Lumi likes these type best of all the shorts but that’s not saying much since we are comparing the shorts I “like” to the onez I threw in the garbage can! HA!<
Like both Aunties, Miss Sara has found alternatives to having to wear of the shorts:
” I much prefer wearing light pants, or if airflow is necessary, a loose skirt if I want to stay cool and comfortable. People of all shapes and sizes look good in skirts(WOOH! YES SCORE FOR SKIRTS!). You can move easily and as long as your skirt is long enough, you can even bend over and sit on the floor. The best part – you can flap your skirt around to get more airflow and your bear thighs do not stick to you seat!
Indeed! Bravo to all that and all the more reason to prepare for a blog on the JOY of Skirts!
And now MY also totally good personal reason(s) for short fear:
This horrible girl in eighth grade saying that my legs looked like drumsticks – and of course I was wearing shorts! Also it may be that the fear of shorts is genetic as my mother also HATES the wearing of the shorts! IT seems we both feel like:
rather than :
Because of the intensity of their making me feel like Fog Horn Leg Horn:The Following Shorts were killed after the making of this blog:Grey Caving Inspired ShortsUgly Cousin of the Grey Cavers – Marmalade ShortsSuper Short ShortsMay you all rest in peace in a landfill far far away from me….
And here our head mistress Auntie Wicked shared her thoughts on shorts:(I knew she wouldn’t let me down in the short hating commiseration department!)
“Shorts are like, my nightmare. From the first moment I put on shorts, I hated them. My mother got me these, JC Penny camp-councilor shorts with pleats, a weird yolk front (the 80’s, GAH!) button fly, and so so so so so so so awkward. I never felt comfortable showing my legs, they felt thick, or pale, or… well just about anything.
As I got older, I ended up in Cut-offs far too often. I would wear jeans till they fell apart, then eek a few more months out of them by cutting them into jean-shorts. After a while, they would fray to nothing, and I’d get pedo-bear stares after they migrated far enough North.The best I ever did with shorts was finding those big boxxy boy-style Gansta Rapper wanna-be shorts. NOW THOSE! They made me look like a chubby tom-boy, but they where so comfortable they almost changed my mind.
Today I wear boxer shorts under skirts, and that is often the closest you will find me to being in shorts. I’m a lady who loves her capri-length pants… Although I’m tempted to try those fancy trouser short things that look like you got happy with your workpants and some scissors.
I still hate shorts! But… they are the ONLY way to be comfortable in these sweaty thick summers. Unless you can find an all linen wardrobe with goddess gauze skirts and saris. “
Thank YOU AUNTIE WICKED for that insightful commentary – it makes me feel less alone in the world!
Now onto the:
Conclusion: I still do not like shorts either!!! – I am not afraid of them anymore though! Now I am suspicious of them – and there trying to make me feel like a giant thighed rooster! Armed with that suspicion I will no longer buy shorts just because it’s hot and settle for them being hideous! No NO ! that’s what the shorts wants from me! I will try on many different styles until I find some that allow me to not have horrible thoughts every moment I am wearing them! BUT until then I will be looking into the distinct possibility that all women are either short wearers or skirt wearers or strictly PANTS wearers and ascribe to neither – So stay tuned for the breakdown of all women into three totally absurd categories – and u might just learn something!
as you expected: Here are some other works around the Internet on the topic of shorts!
Last Gasp: I would like to Nominate Laura Croft as the official goddess of those needing Guidance in the use of Shorts! May she guide and assist on the perilous journey of short wearing! Wishing: That people will write to us and tell us their own experience with SHORTS! Contact us on facebook: auntiwcked
or by e-mail auntilumination@hotmail.com or leave us your thoughts in the comment box!
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