Open Letters : Dear Britney

Open Letters :

Editorial Debates by Two Aunties

Dear Britney…

Dear Britney , Wicked: Let me start by telling you that this is not a letter of hate. Admittedly your underage-slutty Barbie pop thing totally rubbed me the wrong way when we where both younger. I was totally embarrassed to be the Goth Chick bopping to Brit when I walked down the aisles of a Wal-Mart. However, I wanted to let you know, I don’t hate you, or mean any of this in a hateful way. Lumi: and it is with your own best interests at heart that we detail some of the most flagrant faux-pas of late. And attempt to offer what seems to be much needed guidance in facing what are to be the many many potentially humiliating years left of your public life. As actually a moderate fan of your early work I might advise a good listen to the “Lucky” song… as you might need to sit down and consider what really is important…acting like a star or feeling like one?Wicked: Trust me B, we understand. We’ve all had our issues, (none of them of course involving being a multimillionaire) but I think almost everyone has at least had one person in their lives that expects to be taken care of by someone. In this case, you seem to be taking care of a bunch of people, and these bunch of people being the ones you see everyday seem to be guiding you toward a life of being a perpetual piece of meat for a pile of tigers, if that makes any sense. To put it more simply, you seem to be letting yourself be advised by people that are using you, and giving you bad advice to keep the cash cow on her golden throne.Lumi: We are not sure if you realize that you do not look like a sex starved teenage nymphet anymore – and yet continue with the same clothing – image -songs. Have you for instance looked at your website lately? Or thought about the fact that you are but one year younger than me? okay no you prolly haven’t thought about that but really – 29? same oh look at me being all sexy/trashy that Miley Cyrus is doing as her teenage coming out party? What humping prize did you not win? What sexually based praise was not lavished? More importantly, what is it that you think you are going to get from continuing on this way? Honestly, I am terrified that it seems you are PLANNING to follow Madonna’s example…only she had decades of being relevant before becoming a horrible paste-board joke of herself.

Wicked: Although Madonna is a tale for another day, you do not want to go down her path. In fact you are only in danger of being some over-surgeried freak in a pink boudoir. I don’t expect you to take up high art any day. I don’t even expect you to be relevant in any deep way, you aren’t going to become a Harvard Med-school grad with bunches to say to smart nerdy people (I don’t think, although I’d hate to limit your ambitions). But what you do need to do is cut the strings. Being a -joke- about yourself is only funny if YOU are in on the joke. Having your face cut and pasted to thinner photo-shooped versions of yourself is not ‘in’. You have enough money bb, why aren’t you just dropping off the world? shouldn’t you be bobbing your hair, joining the fake redhead club, and pinching asses anonymously in Italy or something? As girls we expect the successful of us to FULFILL our dreams, not become some cardboard cut out sex-doll that becomes everything that’s gross and demeaning!Lumi: I heard once on a VH1 show that you really thought about quitting the pop star business to become what you always wanted to be – a school teacher! Now, I wouldn’t want you maybe in the upper grades for fear of horrible television teacher sex scandals but with the preschoolers and the kinders? You would do very well! and who knows? People might just line up in droves to enroll their little Mitzies and Paul’s into a daycare where you were in the teaching line-up!

Barring changing careers entirely…My only advice is to look to others in your crazy Hollywood who have not spent their whole careers half naked and sweaty. Women like Cher or Tina Turner who have managed to carve out a legendary diva hood and provide for all of us down here at ground zero – a little inspiration and much needed heroes. In your specific case, you have the chance to turn this whole sex-doll child star thing up on it’s head and PROVE to everyone that you are a woman now – a mother now – not taking any more of this shit now! Really? can you not feel the power behind that? I envision you tearing old Bop magazines to shreds with your bare teeth for magazines shoots – and bonus? for this you still could be all topless if that’s what floats your boat – topless and saying something – it can be done Ms. Brit – but will it?

Wicked: Exactly. Its time to fully own yourself, sweetie!  Be a big, rich mama rockstar with a beautiful body (who btw, if you lived in a suburban neighborhood you’d totally be that Milf everyone was dying for, no matter what these rag-mags say.) for whom the world is an oyster! You don’t have to change who you are, own it. So-the- fuck-what you are bipolar  So what if you shave your head and run around with a tuff angry face for a few weeks? I’m MOST disappointed that you tried to cover it up. That’s hurting you more than anything. Wasn’t it some movie with Eminem where he totally diffused a smack-talk rap competition by saying stuff before other ppl have a chance?

Lumi: And by saying stuff – we don’t mean “sexy secrets” or “how to do your lip gloss just like me” though I wouldn’t mind the second one entirely…What we mean is saying “Oh for fuck’s sake – like you never parked your car with your baby in your lap? – Really?” or ‘Hell yes I did fuck my dancer and my bodyguard – my life is totally awesome – now me and the kids are going to Disneyland.” There is nothing at all that says just because your a little bit on the trashy side that you can’t become a bona-fide grown-up! Look at Pamela Anderson, Kid rock, Most of new Nashville? But if you refuse to own who and what you are – you are doomed doomed to end up on Celebrity Rehab and True Stories of Childhood Stars. You may not believe it but it’s totally true – one day – pretty soon you are going to walk out there and try to do the teen weeny teenager act for people and no one will be there...because every day another girl becomes a hot teeny weeny teen and offers the same goods only fresher and cheaper. What you have to offer is experience…without that your just another (aging) pretty face. As a first step of your career and self recovery plan I would like you to demand a recall of the Cosmo magazine cover and the entire issue really. Not the right outfit, pose, magazine – and pretty assuredly not all your right body parts in their right places. This on the heels of Jessica Simpson going au natural? You’ve got to do better than this! Sincerely and hopefully,

The Aunties Wicked and Illumi

Okay Auntlings …don’t blame us for this – we really do have a soft place in a heart for the struggling girl-woman, especially pretty famous women who have a real chance at power and end up lamely or tragically. We would like to see a day where the MAJORITY of women in these positions do not end up substance abusers or suffering from eating disorders or sad pathetic old ladies humping twenty year olds to prove their RELEVANCE…We want women to demand the ability to be real and it starts with women who already have the money and power to make a statement that could send glittering waves of girlpower through young and old. So yes, Ms. Brit is an unlikely person to call on to take her part in furthering better treatment for women…but then again I am pretty sure she knows what it’s like to be taken for a fool.What do you think about Britt? Any advice for her? for us? let us know!*omg what if Brit decided to write us a comment – seriously – we act like we are too cool for that but we would faint a little*

See Also : The Gaga Question

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